Lycra canon.

What did you do for your Christmas break? I sat on a canon in my lycra.

This photo is best viewed whilst listening to this:

Feel the power.

The things that people say you cannot do…

This is a photo of a lawyer’s front window. “Uttering” means to put forged money into circulation. I had to look in the dictionary for that one.

Parliament Station has been ruined- reply from Metro

This letter is a reply to my complaint in regards to advertising at Parliament Station.

Dear Snoutling,

Thank you for your email of 25 September 2011. You have expressed concern regarding the advertising recently installed at Parliament station and we welcome the opportunity to respond.

Network Advertising
Under the terms of our Franchise Agreement with the State Government, we are entitled to sell advertising space on the train network and contract advertising companies for this reason.

The current advertising at Parliament station was installed on a one month contract term and will soon be removed.

Your comments regarding the nature of the advertising at Parliament, in that it is all-encompassing, have been brought to the attention of our Contract Manager and will be considered when future advertising contracts are being considered.

You have further advised that you find the advertising offensive and we therefore respectfully advise that complaints regarding the nature of advertising should be made in writing to the Advertising Standards Bureau.  Complaints against the advertiser, in this case Telstra Corporation Ltd, can be made via the following methods:

• Online:             www.adstandards.com.au
• Postal:             The Advertising Standards Bureau
  Level 2, 97 Northbourne Avenue
                          TURNER   ACT   2612

Should the Advertising Standards Bureau find that any advertising breaches advertising standards, prior to completion of the current contract, we and our contracted advertising companies would be happy do remove the offending advertising.

Thank you again for taking the time to contact us.

Yours sincerely

Case Resolution Manager (Metrotrains)

Shopping for jeans the other day…

Me: “I’d like a pair of stretchy jeans for riding my bike.”
After they didn’t have any of the good styles in my size, I was asked by the Shop Assistant: “What about jeggings?”
Me: “What are they?” (Hiding my terror and thinking it best to play dumb)
Shop Assistant: “They’re a cross between jeans and leggings.”
Me: “Oh, no, they’re not for me.”
Shop Assistant: “Have you considered chinos?”
ME: “What are they?” (Again hiding my terror and thinking it best to play dumb)
ME: “…and do they always come in that fawn colour?” (recoiling)

I didn’t buy anything.

Parliament Station has been ruined.

Dear Metro Trains,

On Thursday 22nd of September I disembarked at Parliament Station, horrified to find that the station was plastered with advertising material from top to bottom. This included the areas on the floor at all entries to  the escalators, on the long wall beside the escalators and various other places hanging from, or attached to, ceilings and walls.

As these areas are ticketed areas which I pay to use, I am disgusted that I have been forced to become part of a captive audience of this advertising. I believe that I should be paid to look at the advertising, as opposed to paying for the experience of entering this advertised space.
When I watch a commercial TV station, I have the choice of whether I wish to watch the ads. I can walk away from the television set, or I can turn it off. At Parliament Station, I cannot close my eyes to ignore the ads, especially on the escalators, as I may have a serious accident. I do not choose to enter the station to look at advertising, I choose to enter the station because I am paying to travel from point A to B.

Not only am I disgusted that I have been trapped against my will, forced to view offensive advertising material from which I cannot escape; I am also offended that my enjoyment of the architecture and interior decoration of Parliament Station has been suppressed by the tawdry and tasteless application of this advertising. The underground areas of Parliament Station once emitted a unique and sleek ambience: the colours blue and white, the faux columns, the tubular steel, the political imagery referencing the above-ground building standing nearby. One of my favourite activities in Melbourne WAS travelling on the Parliament escalators. I could imagine I was a character in science-fiction film or an English politician from the 1980′s.
I can inform you that this experience is now ruined. I might as well go and stand in front of a giant billboard for all the sleek ambience that the underground space is emitting now.

As I am a regular paying traveller, I hope that you can respond to my following queries:

1. What are you doing to rectify the situation I have outlined?
2. If you are not rectifying the situation, will you be reimbursing me for the time I travel through Parliament and am forced to look at the advertising?

I’ll be taking up these issues with the State Government and various public transport user groups as I believe public transport is for public travel – not for private enterprise to take advantage of an unwilling audience.

Regards,

Snoutling

PS. I have also heard that Metro is considering advertising TV screens in the trains. Again I consider this taking advantage of the captive user. I believe public transport should be an enjoyable space, where one can travel without having advertising flashing in their face or the corner of their eyes.

Poo sold here

I wonder how much it costs.

Exercise bike

Chained to a bicycle rack on Swanston Street Melbourne, this installation made me laugh.

Snippets Giveaway

An opened tin of Akta-Vite is available to the first subscribed respondent. (Victorian residents only please- then I can drop it over in the car.) This tin was purchased because of the retro packaging and a strong wish to wean off Nestlé products. Unfortunately, upon tasting, I realised that it does not really compare with Milo as a pre-slumber drink and the granules remind me of mouse droppings.

Review: Severed Heads at the Forum, Melbourne. 14th May, 2011.

“Who will tell my drunken friend that she will die and go to hell?” is a catchy lyric of the inspiring and long-serving Australian electronic band Severed Heads. Pioneering the use of video graphics in filmclips and during live performance (hello VJs),  I got reacquainted with the band after being given the CD collection of a good friend from the 1990′s. I was wondering what had become of Severed Heads in April this year when I noticed that they would be supporting Gary Numan for his latest Australian tour. Supporting?! I found it a real shame that they didn’t perform their own show, but having said that, the Forum was a good venue to get up close and have a good look at these Australian legends. I imagine a bit more dancing might have occurred if the audience was crammed into a small warehouse. (Are there are any left in Melbourne?)

Placed between the two band members was a central screen filled with engaging 3D graphics: cat’s head turning into flowers, skeletons, pilots from hell, humans with cars attached to their heads, a pinball machine and a naked man-machine walking in a pool of blood. As for the sounds, I do swoon upon hearing the elocutionary voice of Tom Ellard. This was beautifully coupled with choice synth sounds and driving beats. I was so pleased to have seen and heard Severed Heads play. I will admit that a slice of nostalgia did contribute to my enjoyment, but I wouldn’t have missed it.

p.s This has not much to do with anything – I think it’s called “painting a picture” in writing terms – but there were a lot of 40-something males at this gig who decided to take their leather jackets out of the wardrobe and give them a good outing/airing. Needless to say I was in close contact with a few stale smells. I think the leather was for Gary Numan, not Severed Heads. That is all.

Links: http://severedheads.bandcamp.com/    http://www.sevcom.com/

The Arthouse – Fuck I’m Dead.

I’m feeling sad about the impending closure of the Arthouse: my favourite pub in Melbourne. I was introduced to this place by my brother, who has regularly played in bands there for about 15 years. All were always welcome at the Arthouse, from the after-5-business-crew to the punks. The Galaga tabletop machine and the graffiti in the torlets were highlights, not to mention the friendly staff and music.
I attended a grindcore show there last Sunday with the following line-up:

FUCK IM DEAD
CAPTAIN CLEANOFF
THE KILL
THE DAY EVERYTHING BECAME NOTHING
SUPERFUN HAPPYSLIDE
ROADSIDE BURIAL [SYD]
GARBAGE GUTS
DIE PIGEON DIE
INTERNAL ROT

There was lots of fast drumming to watch, especially by The Kill. (Even with no double-kick pedal.) I have a special place in my heart for this 3-piece. Superfun Happyslide and Captain Cleanoff were also full of energy, however, Fuck I’m Dead pulled off the most amusing performance- with the lead singer spitting tampons into the crowd and managing to finish the second-last song whilst vomiting. Good times.

Read related Snippets post about Arthouse graffiti.